How does curiosity enhance the power of listening?

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone was technically listening - they were quiet while you were talking, the messages were being exchanged, there may even have been some eye contact and nods, but then they made the conversation about themselves or offered advice that seemed way off the mark? 

That’s listening without curiosity. It leaves us feeling unheard and misunderstood. It disconnects us and leaves us hanging. 

Listening with curiosity does the opposite. 

This hit home for me during a recent class. Students were using Insight skills in role plays, and during the debrief, one student shared how truly listened-to he felt when his partner used the skills to understand where he was coming from. 

What struck me was that the partner was doing a lot more than just listening. 

He was being attentive so he could use the skill of noticing to watch and listen carefully. He was verifying by checking in to make sure he was following. And he was asking curious questions to dig deeper and really uncover the threat driving the student’s conflict behavior.

But the impression was one of being listened to, of being heard. And we’re familiar with that feeling. We know from neuroscience that when we feel heard, we feel understood, and that leads to feelings of satisfaction, security and relief - feelings that are the opposite of the threat that fuels conflict behavior. 

But simply listening isn’t always enough to create that kind of understanding.

So how do we enhance our listening so that we harness its power to build more connection and trust?  

We get curious. Not just about anything, but about what matters to the other person—what they’re concerned about, what they’re hoping will happen, what outcomes they’re envisioning, and what they’re trying to accomplish with their actions. Getting curious about someone on their own terms unleashes the power of listening - turning it from a passive act into an active search for understanding. It sends a clear message: I want to understand you—your words, your experience, your goals, what matters.

When conflict comes up in the moment, this is especially important and can keep a situation from escalating. Listening with curiosity deescalates tension, opens lines of communication, reveals critical information, and builds trust so that cooperation becomes possible.  

So let’s take listening further. Let’s get curious.